The Benicia Herald

By John Gavin

YOU EVER RUN INTO one of your high school teachers after you’ve graduated?

It’s always fun because the person who used to be an authority figure is now more like a friend, and the conversations are good because you learn amazing things from them about the other teachers you had.

You find out about the guy who was so 420 friendly that they called him 840 in the teacher’s lounge. Or about the guidance counselor who was doing a fifth of vodka every night.

And of course there’s always the story about the gym teacher who, though married, was a little too friendly with the female staff — information that now helps his “early retirement” make perfect sense.

Well, the other day in my hometown, as I walked into a Starbucks, I saw my auto shop teacher. I loved this guy when I was in school, mostly because I could slide into his class 20 minutes late without him marking me tardy. Truth is, he didn’t seem to catch much of what went on in that class; I remember us all kind of coming and going as we pleased.

I also remember a kid named Ernie speaking in class of how fondly he loved a three-beer buzz, and then actually producing three beers and drinking them. Yeah, that was not a tightly run learning environment.

So here I was with my coffee waiting to chat up my old shop teacher — except he was busy talking to a woman. So I stood there. And I stood there. After about 10 minutes it dawned on me that he was not going to wrap it up until he had her phone number in hand. Not being one to mess with anybody’s mojo, off I went on my merry way.

It later occurred to me that because they were of like ages, probably mid- to late-50s, and he was coming on to her, I had watched a scene play out that no one would give a second thought to. Then I wondered what people’s reaction would have been if he was, say, 20 years her junior?

They call it the Cougar Phenomenon.

As a guy who gives dating advice, I am constantly getting questions about the Cougar Phenomenon. (For those new to the term, a “Cougar” is a woman who dates younger — sometimes much younger — men.) Mostly I get questions that have to do with where and how this phenomenon originated, and what’s driving it.

I usually start my answer by pointing out that relationships with large age differences are nothing new in this country. Just look at the movies Hollywood churns out — I mean, how often is the leading man about a generation older than his leading lady?

It’s long been accepted that older men pursue younger women. My mom is almost 12 years younger than my dad, and I have dated women 20 years younger than myself. Nobody seems to bat an eye at these disparities.

But turn that around, let the woman be older than the man, and eyebrows go up. Why is that? I think it’s because there’s been a double standard in place.

It used to be that if a guy dated a much younger girl, he was a stud, but if a woman dated a much younger man she was a cradle robber. And we’ve all heard the term MILF, right? But when was the last time you heard someone talk about a DILF? It’s such an ordinary practice for younger women to date older men that no one bothered to coin an acronym for it.

I’ve said before that I love the Internet — and here’s yet another reason: It levels the playing field between men and women. This time around it’s helping to erase a double standard.

Dating sites do not judge. If an older woman wants to trade emails with a younger man, then so be it. And I think that has been crucial to the rise of the Cougar. Now there’s a venue where younger men can approach older women in a way that hasn’t been available before.

In the past, the social stigma against women dating younger men, and a lack of places where such interactions could occur, meant they didn’t happen as often as those two groups now clearly want them to.

Another thing I talk about with those who ask is the term Cougar itself. It implies predator, or huntress. But that is just not the case. Even now I still see stories written about older Cougars chasing younger men. While that might make for a good headline, it’s not what’s really going on.

Make no mistake: It’s the guys who are doing the chasing.

Who are these guys and what are their motives? I asked the question of Lucia, a woman very familiar with the phenomenon. Known as the “Queen of the Cougar Jungle,” Lucia is a dating/relationship expert specializing in Cougar relationships. She runs Urbancougar.com and has appeared on numerous TV shows including “Dr. Phil.” She’s been interviewed by Elle Magazine and in many other venues.

Lucia told me these “Cubs” — men who are interested in older women — fall into three categories. The first two have to do with men who are simply looking for sex with a woman who knows what she’s doing (how unsurprising …), and someone to pay the bills. But she says this about the third group: “They appreciate and prefer dating older women because of their maturity, class, lack of drama, intelligence and life experience.”

I have to agree, Lucia — I think a generation of men is now discovering how wonderful older women are. And I think online dating sites are helping to bring together these two groups in a way that is tearing down double standards and rolling back stereotypes.

I’d say it’s definitely Cougar season.

John Gavin lives in Benicia and is a divorced father of two boys. He has been single since 2002. For much of that time he has dabbled with dating sites to varying degrees of success. You can email him questions about online dating at
DearCoachJohn@gmail.com.

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