The Benicia Herald

By John Gavin

DO YOU REMEMBER THE 1984 SUPER BOWL?

That was the year the Raiders played the Washington Redskins down in sunny Florida. I was in the service at the time and stationed in far less sunny Washington, D.C. — home of the ’Skins.

I grew up in the Bay Area and the Raiders were my team. In my neighborhood in Morgan Hill, we kids loved the Raiders and they seemed to like us pretty good, too. Players like linebacker Phil Villapiano and wide receiver Freddy Biletnikoff would actually come to play in basketball fundraisers for our local Police Athletic League. I’m not one to use the saying “those were the days” very often, but dang it, those were the days.

You can imagine how hard it was for a dyed-in-the-wool Raiders fan to be in D.C. in the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. The fight song, “Hail to the Redskins,” seemed to be on every jukebox in town, getting more play than “Take This Job and Shove It” after quittin’ time in a honkytonk.

My buddy Dave Clancy, also not a Redskins fan, was as fed up as I with the ’Skins bandwagon everyone was jumping on. So one night over a few beers we agreed on a plan to make our stand for the Raiders.

We were going to change the base movie theater marquee to read “Go Raiders.”

I don’t remember what movie was listed up there, but whatever it was, there were sufficient letters with which to form our rebellious statement. After waiting for dark and climbing onto the marquee, it only took us about 15 minutes to pull down the letters and rearrange them into our new message.

Apparently 15 minutes was also all it took for the base police to learn of our malfeasance and speed their way to the theater parking lot. As Dave and I finished, two cop cars pulled up just below the marquee and shined their spotlights on us.

Dave and I quickly agreed on another (expletive-laden) plan and took off running — him in one direction and me in the other — straight off the marquee. That thing must’ve been 10 feet in the air but neither of us missed a stride as we sprinted off either side and ran in separate directions so that we’d be harder to catch.

I have to hand it to those base cops — they sure showed a tenacious persistence. I left base over the fence and came back on near my barracks and Dave hid in a Dumpster half the night, but the cops were a step ahead of us. They figured out which barracks we were from and simply circled it for hours on end waiting for us to show our faces.

That was back in the days where I had, shall we say, a less accurate moral compass. I didn’t really have a set of rules I lived by other than to have fun and try not to get caught. But there comes a time in our lives when we get a little wiser, when we grow a little smarter and we realize that a good set of rules on how to live can save us a lot of heartache and trouble.

There’s a set of rules I’ve come across lately that has helped me immeasurably in my life. I’m confident these rules, while perhaps crafted for a larger purpose, can also be applied to dating and relationships.

The rules are known as The Four Agreements.

The Four Agreements come to us from the Toltec culture of ancient Mexico. Recently restated in book form in 1997 by Don Miguel Ruiz, the agreements are a sort of road map to an authentic and fulfilling life and, when followed, free us from the doubt that we and others can mire ourselves in.

The first Agreement is Be Impeccable With Your Word. If you’re starting a relationship, tell your partner exactly what you are looking for. If they’re looking for something different, don’t be afraid to speak up. Our fears can overtake us at such times — we worry that if we’re honest, our different aspirations can divide us. Be honest and open and you might be surprised at the good things it leads to. Also, don’t speak ill of your partner — I know this sounds basic, but it’s a rule that’s often violated. And if your partner is someone who, because of their actions, compels you to say unflattering things about them, then that is a facet of your relationship you should act on because it indicates that something’s not right.

The second Agreement is Don’t Take Anything Personally. This Agreement goes on to say that nothing others do is done because of you. That is sometimes contrary to how our minds work — I mean, how often do we catch ourselves trying to divine the meaning of something someone has said or done to us? We often assume there is a deeper meaning to the things that go on around us and take the (somewhat selfish) view that they all have to do with us. They do not. Get over yourself — and get over putting on yourself the blame of a guy who lost interest in you. He stopped calling for any of 100 different reasons — don’t go crazy trying to figure out exactly what happened. And don’t take it personally.

The third agreement is Don’t Make Assumptions. This Agreement speaks of communication. It tells us to talk about how things are going with our partner rather than just figuring that because she or he is not saying anything, things must be OK. I am personally guilty of this one. Last summer, I dated a woman with whom I’d agreed to keep open the lines of communications — and then didn’t. I assumed things were OK because she wasn’t saying much otherwise. By the time we actually did check in with each other we found that we’d created so much distance between ourselves we were unable to build a bridge long enough to span it.

The fourth Agreement is Always Do Your Best. For a guy as lazy as I can be, this is the easy one, because if you follow the previous three it pretty much takes care of itself. If your words are impeccable, if you don’t take things others do personally and if you stop making assumptions, then you are doing your best. And if you’re doing your best, then your relationship is being given its best opportunity to succeed — which I hope you achieve. But even if you don’t achieve it you’ll have the knowledge that you tried to make things work in the best way you were able — and that knowledge is a great remedy for preventing regrets.

I have no regrets about getting up on the marquee that night with Dave. Things turned out OK because we were both fast enough to sprint into our dorm when the cop cars drove around the other side. But you know what? I’m not that fast anymore — so I think it’s time to follow a set of rules that steer me clear of trouble in the first place.

John Gavin, a divorced father of two boys, lives in Benicia and has dabbled with dating sites to varying degrees of success. Email him at DearCoachJohn@gmail.com and follow him on Twitter @OnlineDtngCoach.